Relating in Relationships

How many of us can truly claim to have happy relationships with people around us – in the family, at work, in social circles, with neighbours, etc.? The truth is most relationships stink. Having frustrated with human relationships, people resort to plants and pets. The root cause lies in the absence of relating in relationships.

When we meet a person for the first time, we try to explore every aspect of that person. We closely watch his/her physical attributes. We carefully listen to what she says or doesn’t say. We let our subconscious mind take in subtle signals from her body language. We try to relate with that person. Thus, we form an opinion about her and label that person accordingly. Thereafter, we stick to our opinion and use it in all the transactions with that person. We simply take her for granted as per our once formed opinion. We, indeed, don’t relate with that person any longer. We hardly even look at the face carefully ever again, leave alone listening to subtle signals.

Once, George Bernard Shaw was asked who, in his opinion, was the wisest man. He replied his tailor, because he always took fresh measurements. He never relies on the past measurements. So is the case with all of us. We are like river – always flowing and changing, both physiologically and psychologically. We are learning and evolving with every experience. History is testimony to people changing radically within their lifetimes. Plants and animals are different. They are programmed to behave in a certain way throughout their lives. They don’t change. They are predictable. Hence, we can have much better relationships with them without changing our views about them.

Therefore, the key to having happy and healthy relationships with people is to continuously relate with them – taking fresh measurements in every transaction. There is no need to carry baggage of past opinions. There is also no need to feel guilty of committing a mistake in relating with people, as long as lessons have been learnt. Continuous growth in every relation should be the hallmark of a well lived life.

No Free Lunches

There are no free lunches in life. All species of the world – from vegetable to animal kingdom – know and respect this truth. Even an ant works for its food on a daily basis without any grumbling. But we humans fail to accept this truth in our lives. We want everything on a platter. And, when that does not happen we complain and blame everyone and everything, except ourselves.

We must pay a price for whatever we want, even for physical surviving. More valuable a thing, higher will be its price. We often label our misery as the price, which we continue to pay without getting any success in return. How can misery or suffering be a price? Misery, indeed, is only a symptom of our non-action. Can we remain in fever without taking any medicine? No, misery is not at all any price. Misery, however, can become an excuse for not doing anything. If we really want to come out of misery, we must take some action and continue taking as many actions as required until we are out of it.

Our parents have paid the price for our well-being through their hard work and sacrifices. We are able to eat delicious food, because someone has toiled in the kitchen for hours. We are today living in comfort, because some people have tirelessly worked in the past to bring these modern gadgets. A nation is free today, because its soldiers have paid price for its freedom through their lives.

So, it boils down to a simple question. Are we ready to pay the price – whatever it may be – for whatever we want?

Deadly Deadlines

Deadlines are no laughing matter, especially when your boss is dead serious or when your own reputation is at stake. There are people who love the pressure that comes along with the deadlines. They claim that it makes them more creative and productive. Procrastination is their vital tool and they seem to relish the pumping of adrenaline in their veins while feverishly trying to meet the deadlines.

‘Deadline’ originated in 1864 when a line would be drawn in the dirt or marked by a fence or rail, restricting prisoners in Civil War camps. They were warned, “If you cross this line, you’re dead.” Today, the context may have changed, but the essence remains the same. If you cross the deadline, you’re good for nothing.

 
I hate deadlines. It is so full of negativity. But, I also can’t follow the age old dictum, “What you can do tomorrow, do today, and what you can do today, do now.” My output quality hugely suffers in both the situations. I have lately discovered the golden ‘middle-path’ to stay calm and yet produce quality stuff. I usually start early with some sketchy thoughts and then leave the subject on a slow burner waiting for some inspiration to arrive. I let my subconscious mind take over, while I concentrate on other important and priority jobs. When I resume with inspired thoughts, the progress becomes swift making-up for the initial delay and provides greater satisfaction. Now, deadlines don’t bother me. I am usually done before meeting them. The only deadline I can’t meet is “Yesterday”.

Flying Sikh

'Bhag Milkha Bhag’ (Run Milkha Run) is an inspiring movie from Bollywood, besides entertaining. The story of Milkha, who broke world record in 400m race more than five decades ago and was conferred the title of ‘Flying Sikh’ by the then President of Pakistan, has remained largely unknown to Indian youth till now. Milkha achieved great success in life – not despite the challenges, but because of the challenges. He emerged stronger after each challenge. He bounced back higher after each fall. We have a lot to learn from his life story.

Firstly, great people are as vulnerable as we are. They too fail and fail worse than we can imagine. But, the big difference is that they don’t give-up. Indeed, they come-up with a stronger resolve. Then, they invest heavily in their mind-training. Milkha used to visualize winning the race just before starting. The reason he lost in the 1960 Olymics in Rome by a photo-finish only because he allowed his mind to interrupt this vision by looking backward just before hitting the rope. ‘Forgiving and forgetting the past is the best way forward’ is another lesson beautifully depicted in his story. He learnt that people actually are not bad, they are simply victims of circumstances. Success often gets to heads. Not in case of Milkha, who returned to show his sincere regards and appreciation to the first coach who had kicked his butts to push him beyond his limits. Success couldn’t even dilute his feelings towards a childhood buddy in humble state, whom he met in Pakistan after attaining world-wide recognition. He didn’t forget the pain endured by his big sis who sacrificed much for his success and rushed back to adorn her with his prized possession – ‘Indian Blazer’ and a pair of earrings that she had sold to get him out of jail in his struggling days. Milkha truly showed us how to become synonymous with our country’s name.

Essence of Fasting

I concur with the views of K. M. Zubair expressed in his article, “Blessings of Ramadan” (KT, July 9, 2013). Fasting is not merely abstaining from food and drink and cause a self-torture. Its essence lies in bringing one near to God.

When we forcibly deny ourselves the food and drink, the mind invariably runs towards the food and drink, thus causing physical and mental discomfort. In this condition, we anxiously wait for the time to break the fast and over-indulge in the eating soon thereafter, often resulting in stomach upset. Thus, we neither enjoy the time of fasting nor the time thereafter.

We are where our mind is. So, the key to a fruitful fasting is in the mind-training. When the mind is tuned in the thoughts of divinity, it is automatically disconnected from the physical needs and worldly pleasures. Watch a painter or a singer absorbed in his/her act. They forget to take a break even for rest, what to talk of food. Fasting simply happens to them. May the fasting open-up inner doors of divine joys in all of us! Ramadan Kareem.

Unfinished Books

Cheer up, Indrajit Hazra! You are not alone with the unfinished books (Last Laugh, June 14). I too have many half-read books lying all around in the house. I bought these with great enthusiasm from airports, train stations and bookshops in malls (while my family was busy shopping elsewhere). I was attracted to them either because of a review or the synopsis written on the back. I start reading the newly purchased book almost instantaneously and carry on during the entire journey. But, once home, priority shifts.

 

No doubt, they are all good books with power to transform one’s thinking and life. But I am afflicted with the problem of plenty. Which one to finish first is my dilemma. I tried to address this problem by strategically placing them at various locations in the house: serious stuff near the study table, light ones near the TV couch, uplifting ones on the bedside tables... But even that didn’t work as there was more than one choice at every location.

 

Of late, I have reconciled to the fact that it is the depth that matters, not the spread. Now, I randomly pick any book whenever I am in the mood for reading and am satisfied after reading just one chapter or even one page, as long as I have enjoyed doing so. Never mind the multitasking that my mind has to do in keeping track of continuity with all of them.



Enable Anti-virus Guard

We are like computer, processing much data and many tasks at the same time. However, just as a computer gets infected with viruses, we also get infected with unnecessary desires and lose our mental sanity. We cannot differentiate between real needs and greed. Anything that tempts the mind becomes our need. Again, just as an antivirus guard can protect a computer, our conscience can also protect us from all the unnecessary diversions in the life. But, our problem is we have disabled this antivirus guard in us. If only we refer to our conscience before taking any step, life would be a journey of joy.

I am reminded of a story. Once, in a Tibetan monastery, a monk approached his master with a request for a new cloth. Master asked, “What did you do with the old one?” He replied, “It was soiled and torn, so I made a curtain out of it.” Master asked, “What happened to the curtain?” The monk replied, “It was also soiled and torn, so I made a dusting cloth out of it.” The master pursued, “What happened to the dusting cloth?” The monk concluded, “It is now being used as a wick in an oil lamp.” Need we say more about the recycling?