The Power of Sorry

Today, I chanced upon an article, "The Power of Sorry" published in a local magazine. It talks about an ancient Hawaiian healing method Ho'oponopono ('Hoo' means 'cause' and 'ponopono' means 'perfection'). In other words, it is all about learning the cause of gaining perfection.

In this method, you are supposed to take complete responsibility of experiencing misery around you in the world and sincerely and repeatedly say to yourself, "I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you." What happens in the subtlest level within you is that all stored-up negativity is neutralised by these powerful positive phrases. Also, repeating these phrases shield you from getting further negativity from outside.

The root cause of misery is not outside but deep within us. We have lost the sensitivity to see divinity in and around us. We have stopped loving ourselves. This Hawaiin healing method is all about loving oneself. When you love yourself, love would overflow from you in all directions. And anyone coming in contact with you would also experience the joy of love.

I am going to explore and experiment more along these lines. If you have any thoughts, please share. I am eager to hear your views.

Who am I?

One question that has perplexed mankind since time immemorial is: “Who am I?” By this question, I don’t mean my name, position, race, faith, nationality or other such attributes that are all acquired and can change. By this question, I mean my inherent unique and unchanging identity.

Majority of people remained content and never even asked such questions. Many connected the ‘effect’ with a ‘cause’ unscientifically and developed ‘superstitions’. Rare ones went all the way to find true answer and liberate themselves. While finding the answer, they also realised it was so subjective that it could not be communicated to anyone else through words or any other means. They could only give pointers according to their own nature, period and circumstances. Thus various ‘religions’ were born around such rare individuals at different times of the mankind’s evolution.

Religion, indeed, is derived from two Latin words – re (again) and ligare (to unite). So, religion etymologically means that which helps one unite again with the origin. In this context, all religions are essentially the same, as their common objective is to help mankind find his/her original identity. Unfortunately, majority followers of all religions have misunderstood their teachings as ‘end in itself’ rather than just ‘means’ of subjectively reaching the ‘truth’.

Mankind today has access to a rich repository of divine pointers available in various religions of the world. Every person is different and hence needs a different way of finding the ‘truth’. The world itself is a beautiful laboratory in which every one is allowed to conduct experiment of truth according to his/her own temperament. Religion, in this context, becomes a private and personal affair between individuals and God. Siding with one religion alone is denying oneself the wealth of wisdom available in other religions of the world. Pointing fingers at each other’s religion is futile and shows complete lack of true understanding. I dream of families in which every member is free to choose a faith that suits his/her unique temperament. I also dream of societies and nations in which such families are respected and held as ‘models’ of true humanity. We have often heard of ‘Walk the Talk’. I suggest we ‘only walk’.

Giving Space

It is amazing how soon we parents forget our own younger days and are condemned to repeat with our children what our parent did with us in our youth.

Today’s youngsters are much smarter and fiercely independent than what we were at their age. It is heartening to see today’s youth taking charge of their own lives so early. They are exposed to much wider spectrum of life and ideas. They know that life is multi-dimensional and have the guts to explore these dimensions. If they don’t succeed with one, they are ready to take on another challenge. They are not scared of trying untried career propositions. No doubt they are brand conscious, they are also aware of difference between ‘need’ and ‘greed’. Their hearts are easily filled with compassions for the less privileged in the society. They cry for justice whenever they see violation of fundamental human rights irrespective of cast, creed and colour. They are bubbling with innocent energy that must be directed appropriately.

The question then is what different role we parents should play. I believe that we should give them more space to blossom than what we got from our parents. More like a gardener who supports a sapling with a prop, directs its growth with gentle care and gives freedom to flower in full splendour. If we have lived a value-based life ourselves, we need not worry about our children as they would emulate those values while growing. They should be given the space that they need to explore the world and realise their dreams, while we stand by trusting that they would take us in confidence when they need our guidance and make us only proud parents. Tomorrow’s world will not only be safer in the hands of today’s youngsters, but it will also be better.

Means versus Ends

Last week, a thought-provoking article was published in a local magazine. While referring to various questionable conducts of some characters from the Indian epic "Mahabharata", the author raised a couple of questions: Do the means justify the ends? Is success possible without compromise? It is difficult to answer such questions in simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’. I feel that context and the intention behind the action are important in answering such questions.

We happily twist scientific fact while explaining sunrise and sunset to a young child. We do not hesitate lying to a criminal pursuing an innocent person. We hide details of the dreaded disease from a distressed patient. Life is not black and white. It is full of various shades of grey. What is a sin to one person may not be so for the other and even for the same person in a different situation. However, I believe that our conscience is our best guide. Like a compass, it always shows us the right path. When questioned about the apparent inconsistency between his writings and actions at various times, Mahatma Gandhi said, “My aim is not to be consistent with my previous statements on a given question, but to be consistent with truth as it may present itself to me at a given moment.” He was clearly referring to being true to his own conscience.

Reciprocation in Love

True love need not have the expectation of reciprocation . Where there is an expectation of reciprocation, there cannot be love. It is rather a business transaction, in which love is bartered for other things – favour, recognition, attention, or even mere acknowledgement. The question is, “Would I love a person even when I have nothing to gain from him or even when he is sure to harm me?”

Love, I believe, is not an act of volition. You cannot love selectively. Love is that serene emotion that naturally overflows in all directions, when you are completely filled with it. When a flower blooms, it cannot stop its fragrance from spreading irrespective of anyone’s presence around. A nightingale’s singing is not directed to anyone in particular. Clouds don’t select houses to pour their contents on. They are simply helpless in controlling the overflow of what is filled inside them.

It’s more important than ever in today’s climate of random hatred coupled with self-obsession to encourage people to think of others and to love without demanding reciprocity. But, this is possible only when we have first filled our own hearts with ‘love’. It should begin with a total acceptance of oneself. When you accept yourself as you are, you begin to accept others also as they are. There is no more need to imitate or compete with anyone else, as each one of us is a unique creation of the nature. Realising and revealing your own original potential should become the life’s goal. Ever increasing joy is the reward on this journey and self-less love is an unavoidable result. No rose wants to be lily. And, the world is beautiful because of the variety.

Courage and Conviction

Olympic games have given us a rich respository of people with steel like courage and conviction. Bikila’s barefoot running and winning gold, Zatopek’s earning the title of ‘The Czech Locomotive’, Dhyan Chand’s magical hold on the hockey ball, Fanny becoming popular as ‘The Flying Housewife’ at 30 – all of them demonstrated their rock-solid conviction and courage. In the recent Beijing Olympic too, Michael Phelps became the highest individual gold takers in the history of Olympic games. Abhinav also wrote history for India by winning the first ever individual gold. New stories of courage and conviction are being written in our every day life too.

Bethany Hamilton at 13 was attacked by a shark while surfing, but within 6 months returned to competitive surfing with one arm. Ray Kroc at 52 lost his gall bladder and thyroid gland and suffered from diabetes. Yet, he went on to become the founder of McDonald’s. Ben Hogan was nearly killed in an auto accident that crushed his legs, but just after 16 months he won US Open Golf. It is rightly said, “It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”

I believe it’s all in the mind. As you think, so you become. The only limitations we have are those put by our own minds. According to scientists, the bumblebee’s body is too heavy and its wing span too small. Aerodynamically, the bumblebee cannot fly. But the bumblebee doesn’t know that and it keeps flying.

Between two milestones

Someone once said, “You are born today and you die tomorrow." All our knowledge and experience is, indeed, between these two milestones. And, yet we take them so lightly. What I understood from these words is that ‘today’ is all we have. But, we continue to sacrifice our ‘today’ in the hope of an unseen ‘tomorrow’. What we call ‘living’ is reduced to mere ‘existing’. We hardly enjoy life as it is today.

Stephen R. Covey has rightly suggested four dimensions of living: Live, Love, Learn and Leave a legacy. Each of these dimensions relates to each of the four personalities we posses: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual and Spiritual. A life is considered fully ‘lived’ only when we take care of all the four dimensions. Physically, we must radiate ‘health. Emotionally, we must harbour the feelings of ‘love’ for all. Intellectually, we must never stop ‘learning.’ Spiritually, we must attain that internal growth which will continue to inspire the future generations.

The famous Indian weaver-poet, Kabir sang thus: “This sheet of life was given to us spotless. Many wore and made it dirty. I wore it and left it spotless.” Hidden in this song is also a great environmental message. Are we leaving the world cleaner than what we received?

Confidence Re-defined

We often grant ourselves superstar status at the first sign of success and victim status at the first sign of failure. Perhaps this is in human nature to arrogate any achievement to oneself and blame the whole world for any failure. Arrogance often appears in the garb of confidence.

It is said that knowledge brings humility. It is because the more you know something, the more you realise how much more you don’t know. At the pinnacle of success, Sir Isaac Newton said, “To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me.” Who can question Newton’s confidence?

Therefore, true confidence grows with an acute awareness of one’s own limitations. When success comes your way, your heart bows down to the force of providence in silent gratitude, as you realise that many other factors outside your control have contributed to this success. And, when you encounter a failure, you smile in silent acceptance of your current limitations. You are truly confident when, wearing a glowing smile, you are able to say, “I don’t know.”

Question of Originality

How much of what we see on the Internet is original and reliable? Is everything published on the Internet is ‘true’? Are we heading towards a time when we shall cease to create original work?

Internet, no doubt, has instant answer to any question that we may have. We no longer have to carry around our reference books or visit dingy libraries. Almost anything is a ‘click’ away on the Internet. Internet is a great source of information. It is also a great source of mis-information. The fact that it is so easy to publish anything on the Internet makes it a great conduit of creativity and at the same time a lethal weapon of factual distortion. It’s for us to choose either to further our knowledge or to distort it for ‘fun’ or for some ulterior motives.

The ‘cut-and-paste’ practice is one such abuse of Internet that is becoming rampant among people, especially youngsters who find it easy to complete their work in a time-pressed study or work environment. Quoting others’ work has always been an admirable practice. But, lifting others’ work out of context and using the same without giving due credits is definitely unethical.

Is this trend leading to the loss of originality? I don't think so. Creating original work is the most satisfying urge of human mind. Spurred by a desire for instant recognitions, a majority of people may not heed to this urge. But, there will always be a minority of people who would dare to walk on the un-trodden path, despite all the risks and difficulties. The world would continue to get intellectually richer as a result. Yes, we have to be extra careful in using ‘any’ information retrieved from the Internet or for that matter from any other reference. We have to increasingly employ our own thinking faculty to sift ‘facts’ from the ‘lies’. But, no, so long as a thinking human mind is around, originality and creativity will never be lost. I have full faith in this.

True measure of progress

Mahatma Gandhi once said that real progress of a nation is measured by the uplift of the people lying at its lowest strata. Does the current progress in the Gulf countries conform to this yardstick?

Only last year, not a single day passed without the talk in the media of launching new luxury real estate projects. Prices were exponentially rising with every new launch. As soon as a project was launched, it was claimed to be “sold out”. Who were buying? Will they use these properties for their own living? If not, who would be the ultimate users of these properties? Will they be the common masses? How would building luxury apartments and malls enhance the lives of the common man? How come the cost of living for ordinary people in the Gulf is becoming costlier, while the rising oil price have made Gulf countries richer? Are these the signs of “real” progress? These questions continue to baffle me.

A country’s entire workforce represents a pyramid - broadest at its base and narrowest at its tip. We need an army of people to perform countless menial jobs and gradually less number of those who discharge skilled and highly skilled jobs. The country must provide for such an infrastructure that would cater to their respective needs. There should be adequate housing for all categories - maximum for those living in the lowest income-group. I wish governments diverted some of their oil earnings in building low-cost housing in greater number than the mega projects of luxury properties.

A nation’s riches must be proportionately shared among all its residents in order to keep them happy. Happy residents eventually make a happy nation. There cannot be a better measure of progress for a nation than the uplift of all its residents, whether nationals or expatriates.

Happiness within

I would like to pose two fundamental questions: what is happiness and what is the role of money in our lives?

Happiness, I believe, is the state of mind when there are no agitations. Now, what gives rise to agitation? Isn’t it our own making? Tempted by the sight of something, we create a desire within, which in turn disturbs our otherwise calm mind. When the desire gets fulfilled, the mind returns to its original state of calmness. We say we have experienced happiness, as if happiness resided in the thing we desired. But this happiness lasts so long as the next desire has not arisen.

In her famous book, Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand defines money as a “tool of exchange” between those who produce certain goods and those who want the goods. “Not an ocean of tears, not all the guns in the world can transform those pieces of paper in your wallet into the bread you will need to survive tomorrow”, she says.

We part with money for the things we value more than money. Hence, so long as we want something from the world, we will need money. Money, in this context, gives a sense of future happiness. However, since we don’t have a fixed list of wants‚ we can’t decide how much money is enough. And the wild goose chase goes on, all through life.

Stephen Crane gives a handy recipe for happiness. It is to rid yourself of your notion of your rights. To get the taste of life we must approach it as a beggar at the king's court. If we are despised, what’s more natural? If we are feasted, what a marvel! Thus, we may become happy here and now, with or without money.

Lessons of History

It is often said, “Those who don’t read the history are condemned to repeat it.” Despite this warning, I kept a safe distance from history books, until I came across this book, “The Lessons of History” written by the husband-wife duo Will & Ariel Durant. Will Durant, also called a gentle philosopher, spent 50 years of his life writing “The Story of Civilisation.” He looked at history through a different paradigm. He searched for patterns and meaning in those patterns. He developed his own theories and philosophy about the history of mankind. These nuggets of wisdom are now condensed in the book, “The Lessons of History.” Let’s examine some of these nuggets:

1. Present is the past rolled-up for action. Past is the present rolled-out for understanding.

2. Life is a combination of difficulties and delights. Difficulty is the price of living and delight is the goody received unexpectedly and perhaps undeservingly.

3. World has progressed in terms of ‘means’ not in terms of ‘ends’. Human’s basic desires are still the same, while the means to fulfil them have progressed.

4. History repeats itself in macro form. Civilizations go through the same cycle: Barbarian → Agricultural → Economically secured → Culturally advanced → Scientifically thinking → Moral degradation → Chaos → Destruction → Start of a new civilization. Different countries and societies are going through such cycles even today. A country which was once barbarian now enjoys economically secured state, while another country which was once at the height of scientific thinking is struggling to uphold moral values.

5. The purpose of education is not merely to provide better means of earning, but to preserve the cultural heritage of mankind. That’s why a University is known as Alma-mater (bounteous mother), which nurtures this human heritage from generation to generation. When a man is able to carry forward this legacy in his life and successfully pass it on to his next generation, he may consider his life well lived.

6. Every person is born with more-or-less the same basic instincts acquired through several millenniums of barbarian living (hunting). Subsequently, he acquires social instincts from the environment in which he is born. Social instincts (cooperation, care, sympathy, kindness, etc.) are often in conflict with the basic instincts (hunger, sex, greed, possessions, anger, jealousy, etc.). Since social instincts are developed over a relatively short period of time (agricultural era onwards when people started living together socially), they are not so powerful to curb the basic instincts. Education (sum total of the entire past cultural heritage including art, literature, philosophy, etc.) greatly helps in raising the potency of social instincts and thus enables humans in overcoming their basic instincts.

7. Co-operation is the tool of competition. We co-operate in a team to win match over the other team. Members of a society co-operate to advance themselves over other societies. People of a country co-operate to win war over another country. Perhaps, the whole world would co-operate only when there is a global danger, e.g. global warming or an alien attack from other planet.

8. ‘Liberty’ is the child of ‘Order’ and mother of ‘Chaos’.

Extreme suppression (as in the dictatorial regime) leads to revolution or a civil war. An order is restored through some form of democracy, which provides sufficient liberty to the citizens for healthy growth. However, it demands that one person’s liberty does not interfere with another person’s liberty. This requires certain amount of compromises by all citizens, generally laid down by the moral codes of conduct. However, an excessive liberty again leads to chaos as people become less tolerant and disregard moral codes.

9. Idea of today is politics of tomorrow. Philosophy of today is literature of tomorrow.

10. Society needs both the radicals and conservatives. Radicals provide ‘gas’, while conservatives provide ‘brakes’. Both are necessary to safely move a vehicle of society.

11. Every generation rebels against its previous generation. It is natural for the world to continue. Hence, the older generation should not be upset with the younger generation’s rebellious behaviours. They did the same in their own youth.

12. If youth had the knowledge of the old and the old had the energy of the youth, then the world would have been a heaven. A family is an abode of peace and happiness, wherein the knowledge of the elders is used in guiding the energy of the youth into constructive channels.

Romancing with Life

I reproduce below my review of evergreen Dev Anand's autobiography, "Romancing with Life."

Dev Anand is more than a living legend. He is a living inspiration for millions of his fans, including me. With his autobiography, he has come closest to his fans. It is a nostalgic journey down the memory lane. I could not put it down until the narration entered 80’s – a good 75% of the book (438 Pages). The book comes with a free DVD of a short interview and selected songs from his movies.

Dev has written this book in cinematic style. His leaving for Bombay is filled with flash-backs of his childhood and adolescent days in Gurdaspur and Government College, Lahore: Dev Dharam (DD) becoming Dev Anand, first crush for a girl, love for good books, etc.

Dev describes his struggle in Bombay in such graphic details that you almost feel like living that period with him. The book is filled with many interesting anecdotes such as: selling his precious collection of old stamps for mere Rs. 30 in front of VT station to fulfil pangs of hunger; meeting Ashok Kumar who gave him his first film (Hum Ek Hain), recent chance meeting with the grand-daughter of a girl who managed to catch the cap which he had thrown at the crowd on the premier of his film, Baazi in1951, making promise to Guru Dutt that he would let him direct his first movie, etc. His first job at Censorship department of the British Government may have given him millions of story ideas.

He is known to have launched countless new girls, many of whom went on to become stars in later years. This book tells readers his romantic associations with them. Just like his films, the entire focus of the book is upon Dev. This perhaps is the flip side. I wish he had talked more about his contemporaries. He is almost silent about his wife Mona (Kalpana Kartik) after marriage.

Notwithstanding a few short-comings, it is a beautiful bouquet of interesting incidents, inspiring thoughts and a shining example of ever vibrating energy.

Gifting Dilemma

The ideal gift requires the union of the right object with the right person at the right time.

The language of gifts is intricately woven into our everyday social interactions. Indeed, we often use gifts as a means of interpersonal communication. According to Poe, gifts are used to convey symbolic relational messages, including relationship status, the promise of future interaction or statements of affection, concern, or domination.

We are constantly torn by gift-giving and gift-receiving dilemmas. How many times have we received a gift that we didn't want and hence passed it on? I know of a person who received a gift that he himself had gifted to someone else a long time back, thus making a full circle of gift-exchanges. I wonder if exchanging gifts has not been reduced to a mere formality. The joy of giving seems to be missing altogether. People are increasingly reporting stress, disappointment, anxiety, and misunderstandings when they anticipate or participate in social gifting.

Gifting, in my opinion, is still a beautiful ritual if honestly and sincerely followed. Nature keeps teaching us all the time. A tree gifts its fruits without asking or expectations. Clouds shower life’s nectar on one and all without any discrimination. It is this selfless attitude of giving which is important. The object being given is not vital. Even a gentle smile to a passer-by is a valuable gift, if imparted with a selfless attitude.

Customer (Dis) Service

Customer is the king and his/her satisfaction is the ultimate barometer of success in business. This is what preached in all modern management classes and highlighted in advertisements.

However, the ground reality is far from this. To start with, many customer service numbers are not toll free, which means if you have a complaint or seek a simple clarification, you must first pay for it without any guarantee of getting your query resolved. Then, in the name of better customer service, many businesses use technology to a fault. Your call is answered by an automatic recorded voice, which mechanically and mercilessly guides you through an unending series of options and choices, except how to reach a human being. If you are lucky to get this option, then either the recorded voice (All our agents are busy….) would play havoc with your ears or inform you that you cannot leave any message as the mailbox of the service agent is full. If you are really lucky to talk to a human at last, you may be asked to call another number in another department. Calling a customer service number can be highly frustrating.

I wonder how many business executives use their own customer service numbers and conduct routine checks on their efficiency. Recently, I came across the following quote on the walls of a business house:

“It costs six times more to attract a new customer than it does to keep an old one.

Seven out of 10 complaining customers will do business with you again if you resolve the complaint in their favour.

If you resolve a complaint on the spot, 95 per cent will do business again. Of those customers who quit, 68 per cent do so because of an attitude of indifference by the company or a specific individual. In summary, Customer Satisfaction = Success”

Anyone listening?